ULRIKA JONSSON Kim Kardashian’s Skims ʙικιɴιs are like S&M gear – they won’t cover normal boobs, says Ulrika Jonsson

BIKINIS and I have always had a complicated relationship.

This cute little invention has brought me many a changing-room trauma over the years. Nowadays you can mix and match your top and bottom sizes, whereas back in the day finding a ʙικιɴι that fitted was nothing short of mission impossible.

I would despair in changing rooms when my late (now much reduced) big bazookas refused to fit in the size 10 top which I was forced to buy together with my size 10 bottoms.

It was like trying to cage two wild animals or fit ten pints of slime into two egg cups. What I really needed and what I really wanted to buy in those days was a bra and a huge pair of apple-catchers.

I wanted to feel secure and not feel self-conscious about my body. So it’s with complete despair that I look at swimwear now. What in tanline hell is going on?

Kim Kardashian has launched a range of ʙικιɴιs as part of her Skims label, and while I’m no prude, it’s nothing short of some warped S&M interpretation of a garment which normally covers a woman’s private bits when she’s on the beach.

Skims — a brand I’m really not that familiar with because I don’t own any — suffice it to say, I was led to believe it was a label of underwear which was supposed to be for all women of all body shapes.

“Made for Every Body” and “Solutions for Every Body” are their tag-lines — the kind of tight-fitting underwear and shapewear that holds those unruly bits that tend to make a bid for freedom when we wear normal knickers and bras.

This is a brand that claims to have its roots in inclusivity and body positivity. Well, you’d need truckloads of the latter if you ever wanted to contemplate strapping yourself into this latest gear the brand has to offer.

It’s definitely not for the faint-hearted or the body-conscious. This collection of faux leather strappy bits would struggle to cover a blue тιт heading for the Costa del Sol.

There’s nothing much to it. The pH๏τoshoot looks more like a porn promo, with heavy overtones of sadomasochism.

Not really something you’d want to turn up in at the local lido. To give you a clearer idea of what I’m talking about — one of the cup sizes measures the same as a tortilla chip.

A tortilla chip?!

For most women’s boobs that’s about as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike. And the bottoms are nothing more than a bit of dental floss.

The point is that the ʙικιɴι may not have evolved a great deal since its invention 77 years ago — and with good reason. It’s supposed to be big enough to cover the most important points but small enough to be interesting. Simple and uncomplicated.

But the desperate attempt by Skims to dream up some kind of modern, edgy version of it ruins the whole idea. It’s pure filth, and in my humble opinion, not in a good way.

I mean, who on God’s earth would contemplate walking down to the beach in a ʙικιɴι top the size of a tortilla chip which barely covers the nips? Not me, that’s for sure —– I’d much rather go topless.

And therein lies the rub. The Skims swimwear collection appears as if it has gone back to the heroin chic look of the 90s — if it wasn’t for the aesthetically enhanced and augmented lumps and bumps on Kim’s body.

And that’s also what makes these ʙικιɴιs all the more ridiculous — there are so many women with breast enlargements nowadays that a tortilla chip just ain’t gonna cut it.

I don’t mind a Sєxy, skimpy ʙικιɴι — I don’t even mind a G-string bottom on anyone else’s bottom but mine. But I do draw the line at clothing (or the lack of it) that looks so impossible to wear that it’s actually only made for a body in a state of rigor mortis.

Or the kind of fashion that is only useful for a well-lit Instagram post but would make it inconceivable to walk to the ice-cream stand in. But then I’m a practical kinda gal.

And I don’t suppose any of this stuff comes cheap either. No, you really can keep your itsy bitsy teenie weenie faux leather tortilla chip ʙικιɴι, Kim. I’d rather spend my money on a H๏τ dog and a stick of rock.

MEGAN BARTON HANSON

GIVING Barbie a run for her money in this sparkly pink two-piece, former Love Islander Megan Barton Hanson looks like she is in danger of busting out of her top.

The 29-year-old is well used to wearing microscopic swimmers from her time on the reality TV show, but maybe these even smaller not-quite-cover-ups should be for her fans only.

Or her OnlyFans.

LUCIE DONLAN

YOU can’t pull the wool over Lucie Donlan’s eyes when it comes to the wisdom of wearing a crocheted cossie.

But then you couldn’t pull the wool over much else of the 25-year-old ex-Love Islander either, as there’s so little of it in this tiny two-piece.

DUA LIPA

RATHER than Hello Kitty, Dua Lipa’s tiny ʙικιɴι would surely be saying Hell No, Kitty on the subject of keeping the 27-year-old singer well covered.

The ʙικιɴι by Italian brand GCDS costs a mega $325, or £257 – which, like the cossie itself, would leave the kitty severely overstretched for most people.

JENNIFER METCALFE

WITH her cheeky sideboob on show, 39-year-old actress Jennifer Metclafe– Mercedes McQueen in Hollyoaks – goes for the tortilla-sized beachwear look . . . though maybe a couple of Hollyacorns might actually have covered up more of her.

KYLIE JENNER

CURVY Kylie Jenner doesn’t look in the least bit worried about revealing all in this shiny pink ʙικιɴι.

But like a dodgy insurance company, while it appears to provide slightly more cover than some others, any sudden movement by 25-year-old Kylie could lead to disaster – in the form of a wardrobe malfunction that even her mum Kris Jenner couldn’t fix.

ARABELLA CHI

ONE wrong move in this teeny green ʙικιɴι and 32-year-old Arabella Chi could suffer a serious nip slip, as it’s known in the fashion world.

Hopefully the 2015 Love Island veteran keeps the cossie just for poolside posing – and even then stays as still as possible.

LILY-ROSE DEPP

THIS leftover scrap of fabric – sorry, designer ʙικιɴι – is modelled by actress Lily-Rose Depp, and it looks like most of the material went into the bottoms.

The outfit worn by the 24-year-old star of HBO drama The Idol retails at €113 – or £98 – from Paris-based designer Didu, and ranges in size from small to extra large. But somehow we think even the XL wouldn’t be enough to cover the average nipple.

KIMBERLEY GARNER

IT’S little wonder that former Made In Chelsea regular Kimberley Garner is wearing a daring cossie – as the 32-year-old runs her own fashion range of ʙικιɴιs that are just as teeny.

Or as each one probably doesn’t say on the label, Made (smaller) in Chelsea.